Oh, you know.

six to seven months ago i developed (gained? started experiencing?) a chronic health issue (functional disorder? illness?) and my life is markedly different and i feel so sad i cry 3-4 nights a week then i binge eat because i’m sad then i get sadder because i’ve binge eaten (and my disorder? illness? is a gut disorder so adds to pain) and i’m stuck in this horrible painful shame spirally life puncturing spiral and i’m aware of it all and my patterns and i don’t know how to get out and i was so afraid of hospitals because i spent most of my childhood in hospitals and now i’m back in them and i think about dying too often and i think about life and love not often enough and i’m sorry to a for being so sad all the time and leaving trash everywhere and i’m afraid i’m going to get fired and last night i was too sad to go to therapy so i lied to my therapist for a last minute cancellation and i sometimes wish a car would strike me in the middle of the street but those words aren’t true to me they’re true to a 17 year old me and i wish i could find the words of 38 year old me so i could get to some semblance of a normal life i’m tired of throwing food out then restocking the fridge then throwing it all out this isn’t normal i just want to be normal for one day

i searched for sadness and depression on tumblr

two searches in i got linked to suicide prevention.

flowers grew out of my ribs.

i was choking on their pretty petals

when did you send this? how do people change? are we who we were and in what ways? i logged into tumblr last night, for the first time in a long time, and i couldn’t help but be flooded by recovered memories. i just want to say, hello.

chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking and yes i typed all this out averaging i’d guess something like seventy words per minute so there.

ghostbusterdan:

4 track album

hi friends. i make music with my pals. we just put out a little four song ep for free download. you can download it here. 

xoxo